(^_') Hezzie's Thoughts

Pourquoi? It means why in French. I have been asking myself a lot of "whys" lately. In the end I can't find an answer...

I remember asking myself what I want to be when I grow up? There was so much ambition I wanted to achieve and so many places I wanted to go. As I grow up I slowly forgot all about it. The main thing for me to do in 2005 for my career is the set the right goals to keep me going. I've been working really hard until I can't believe I can push myself that far. I've gained and I've lost but I feel that in the end it's worth it. Working suddenly became the priority in my life. I spend most of my time in the office working and always trying to learn new stuff. I really need to know what my goals are and what is it that I really want... a direction that I can move forward to...

I was eating at a restaurant one day... Sitting right next to the table, I saw two kids I used to teach back in the art center I worked. Looking at them it reminds me that I really love being together with kids. I used to teach them draw and paint... Make crafts, tell them jokes to make them happy... I find myself in them... I really love the things they draw because each kid's mind is very pure. They would sometimes illustrate what they feel and see in their heart on the white piece of paper you lay down for them. I saw their dreams, fears, and memories... It is really beautiful how a pure mind came out with something so valueble. I remember when I used to teach the girls I'll have to be more gentle with them and somehow girls always like Pink and we always run out of Pink crayons haha~ As for the boys, I'll have to teach them a different way... Usually I will play some games with them and after that they'll be really obedient. There was once I drew this Transformers on a piece of paper for one student, the rest of the boys got jealous and they are fighting over a piece of paper... I just stood there don't know what to say but feel like laughing. Come to think of it, I could have chosen the simple and happy life being with the pure minded and shower my love and care onto the little sunshine... However, I have chosen another path. I dropped the simple life, simple job and went out to the real world to look for the excitement the push in life.

I've not been far... but at least I felt I've walked thousand miles. I've seen a lot heard a lot experienced a lot. I realized that I gain and lose all the time. I remember when I was back in secondary school used to have a group of really good buddies. As I went into college I started to neglect my buddies and concentrated more on my studies and college friends... That's when I found myself another group of great friends. But as we decided to chose a different path I lose this group of friends as we're doing different things and somehow there's a gap between us and things doesn't feel the same. I felt that way especially when I started working and my college friends are still studying. I experienced the world, I see things differently then the carefree life I used to live. Once again due to work and my relationship I lose a group of great friends. Sometimes I would sit down there and asked myself, I treasured them so much but I didn't realize their existance when they are with me...

Suddenly I would ask myself what do I want people to say about me on my funeral? Am I a good friend? A good wife? A sudden cross of a scene appeared in front of me... I see myself sitting down at my funeral looking at loved ones mourning over my death and people giving testimony about me... That is scary... Then I realized that I don't want to live my life wasting it. I'm a person always looking for excitement and adventure in my life... but I toned down I started to feel bored about myself and I'm trying to do something about it...

I'm so glad that I could catch up with a few friends online. One of those closest friends I had. I shared about my work, my relationship and thoughts. Actually it's not so bad as my friends never forget me I'm still who I am in their hearts always maybe a little more mature. I heard this news from a friend about her grandpa past away. It was a shocking news to me that it happened so long ago but I was not informed about it. I remember visiting my friend's house in Sarawak and met that nice old man. Cute is the word I would use to describe... every old person have a face and a soul like a small kid. One that needs attention and extra care. I remember the face, the smile and the love I see between the old man and his wife. It made me thought about life more... about marriage... about future... about treasuring the moments I have now before I lose them.

I chatted with another friend and she showed me something really adorable. It reminded me about 2 weeks ago I went to a SPCA event to check out the unwanted puppies there. I wanted to much to help this puppy to be its host but my parents won't allow me to do so. I remember it was this brown puppy a mixed breed but don't ask me I have no idea what. It has beautiful yellow eyes and a short waggy tail... This type of scene always remind me of the dogs I used to have and how they left me... It's really sad sometimes...

The sleeping on the floor looking at you with the puppy eyes pose... So cute XD!!!

I'm starting to forget what I'm writing and what I'm feeling and so much things I wanted to say and share... "Why"? Did I forget? I do not know how to express it? ... ...

Few more days to go then it's my Big Day... yeah my Big day :cry: I'm gonna be one year older soon... sigh... How can I ever stay young forever???

Hmm let me share about my surprise for this year... Well it's like this, my bf secretly bought me something I wanted for a long time ever since it was released...

He wrapped it in a very sweet Carebear wrapper with a lovely card on it... At first I am only allowed to open on my birthday which is next Monday but I was holding it and I can't seems to stand the temptation but to tear a bit of the wrapper... Then a bit more... and more and more... My bf commented once I open I'll lost my surprise before my Birthday... I hesitated but in the end still decided to see what's inside. He wrapped it with many layers of newspaper to add on the effect of suspense but it took me just a while to tear off the whole thing he was so shocked. It looks like this:

Once I opened it I discovered the buddy that I always wanted... Kaws Companion...

This companion aka buddy is a real expensive fellow... I was so shocked that it was my Birthday present. Later, something more shocking happened. My bf said that besides buying me one Kaws companion he got other surprises for me... Then he took out these:

He told me that since he already got one for me why not buy the rest to complete the set? So he is giving me one and will be keeping the other two :) Later only we found out that the black color Kaws companion is actually one and only in Malaysia!

I really love the concept of Kaws. It started off with a thinner version and smaller one. Nowadays price has gone up to 1K+ for those. Those that I own now is actually a version of what Kaws became 5 years later... Grew taller, bigger and fatter... It's really interesting... There for those above are called "Kaws Companion, Five Years Later"... Very cool designer stuff...

Besides this I also received a very special gift from someone... It's a self-made ecard with this someone's face on it... very cute... But it's something really special I've ever received. Really appreaciate and treasure it... However everyone started to forget my birthday is next week... it's not past tense, not present tense but future tense... I am receiving funny messages of people greeting me XD !! Haha~

It's 2005 my boss said... A new year, new resolution and a new self. I just got back from Langkawi yesterday for a company retreat. It was not really a fun thing more like self discovery and also self improvement kind of thing. Learned stuff from "7 habits of effective people" and also about edward de bono's "six thinking hats". These put me into thoughts of some of the things the session we shared. I begin to search for my goals and the spirit of wanting to do more and better. We also played a survival game where the module depicts a scene of surviving in the sea... I was quite interesting but end up I didn't do well and as a team we did worst... that got someone quite worried.

Didn't get to go anywhere interesting except for 7th well... Walked few hundeds steps to get to the top of the waterfall... I almost gave up along the way because of my stamina but I tried pushing myself to the limit and finally I made it up there! It was a beautiful sight up there as I can see the sea... and boats at that sight sure looks like small toy boats. It was really beautiful I do not know how to describe but continue snapping pics and more pics. Along the way there was this silly monkey following me everywhere I go I was worried it might snatch stuff of my hands jump on me or something but I guess perhaps that monkey just want to protect strangers at his home.

A near death incident happened to one of my colleague. She slipped and fell into the waterfall... Shallow thank god for it... However whatever she was carrying including her camera and phone all got wet. If it happened to me I think I'll break down and cry but she is tough... On this trip I got to know better about my colleagues. Coz we spend time talking and sharing instead of the normal office subjects. This colleague of mine I mentioned earlier was a special one... I like calling her my sister... because of her independent spirit and protective kind heart I felt secure and happy with her. I thank god that when I joined this new company she is one of the happy things that happened in my life. To find someone to talk to and to reach out when I needed help. I'm so sorry about the accident happened to her but I know god will over look her... God will provide.

On the last day of trip managed to make our way to the cable car. At first when I found out the price for the ride I was quite shocked... But after I got on it and experienced the magic of it I think it's worth every cent. The cable car brought us to great heights and beautiful scenery. I can see the sea sooo green a beautiful and the strong wind hitting against my face strong but magical... Everything high up there seems so unbelievable so unforgettable. As I'm afraid of heights it's not really something to enjoy but I did enjoyed it a lot... However I missed the most enchanthing sunset as written on one of the information board.

Hopefully I can get some pics up here soon after I develope and scan them.

I have so much to share but so little I can tell... But I guess that is what a blog is for... Just share...

It's been a long long time since I blog anything in here... There are so many things I would like to share but tend to forget them. Everything I tell myself "I'm gonna blog this, I'm gonna blog that" but when I finally want to blog something I forgot everything.

Nothing much really happened recently... Went through a meaningless Christmas minus Christ being born coz it's the greatest thing. I slowly grew tired waiting for the magical moment during Christmas... Always searching for the perfect snowglobe but can't find it... Just like life, I don't really know what I want already but soon I want to find out.

The tragedic Tsunami disaster thought me to think more about life. More about the meaning I'm still breathing and staying alive. I'm hoping so much to find that meaning, that goal in my life to move me on... to push and to motivate me. It was a tragedy that no one was ready for it... which reminds us who fragile and small we are in this world. Well, I have moments that I'm upset about and don't want to talk about but it's nothing compared to those who lose their home and family.

Besides the Tsunami disaster something also happened under my bed last week. My precious coke collection sigh~ It was an afternoon I was nagged many times by mom to clean up my room... and I did... My boyfriend came over and help me. Such coincidence he asked me to move things out under my bed to clean them. That never cross my mind to ever clean whatever is under the bed but I did... Suddenly I saw the big plastic container i used to put and protect my coca-cola collection with was half filled with some black liquid... Oh what the!!!!! The black liquid is coke of course!!! I then realized that some explotion must have happened in the container causing the rest of the coke exploded... Almost 40 can and plastic bottles exploded and left behind slimmy and sticky remaining of coke... I was so upset I had to take all of them outside the house and clean them up... The once shining and proud red can is now stained with brown stains and no longer do the coke shimmers. When I look at my collection it's as though i'm seeing group of dead people which suddenly Tsunami incident crossed my mine... The coke looks like it's bleeding out from the can... the pain I have to go through seeing one by one destroyed. The surprising thing is my mom came out the house and made a comment and she said "Poor thing these coke cans". I was stunned... it's like wow! Compassion and feel pityful for a coke can??? Lots of things crossed my mind then. I suddenly thought about the Pepsi-X one and only Pepsi I have in my collection was together with the rest... I was thinking could it be the traitor that caused the explotion... Nah... I'm just being silly mourning over dead coke cans lol~ So I'm left with nothing... everything is gone... I kept them for about over the pass 6-7 years. Now I only have the glass ones still standing still projecting the spirit of the undying. The rest lying on the ground looks as though they have all been through a hard time and finally gave up. Goodbye coke~ Nothing like this ever happened... my coke incident and Tsunami incident... Life is unpredictable...

Talking about incident... another one hitted me about 2 weeks ago. A nice friend went over to Singapore to help me collect the long awaited Pinky 400%... The girls are huge and heavy... I was so excited when I got them that i immediately took them out from the boxes and try to put them up. The material used is unique I'm not sure what it is as I've never seen such thing before. As I was putting them up a piece slipped off my hands and broke... I was speechless I felt guilty as though a spear went through my heart... Part of the Pinky is the yellow bunny belongs to one of the girls... The ears broke off... It was really a very painful sight as I have used lots of money to buy them and they are the main reason my credit card reached the limit! Managed to stick the ears back to the head using elephant glue but it made things worst as the glue washed off the paint... I don't know what to do after that but try to forget about it... Here is a picture of the collection of my girls :D Just got myself few more but they are not in the pics:

Here they are... More pics up later...

Hauled quite a big of stuff in year 2004 or December 2004... One of the most facinating one is the ultimate Tofu Oyako Mother and Son 400%... They are almost extincted figures... But hell I have to buy them... I'm obsessed...

I guess I'll just share few pics of my haul... Anything else I'll upload in the gallery later.

Besides that one of my latest craze is the Kaws companion... They are highly expensive and breathe taking piece of vinyl... I was so crazy about it I  think of it day and night but haven't got any money to buy it...

Hmm so many great stuff I guess I'll just share them in Play Forum... else I'll have a millions of topics and pictures to share... That's all for this session...